Depression Diaries: Intro

So I am going to be writing a diary about my life and the depressions and highs I go through.
Watch this space.

Mental Health: Coming Off Mirtazapine

I currently write this, while battling depression and anxiety and coming off mirtazapine. The anxiety is a strange one that has started about a week ago, I just feel scared. Of everything. And nothing feels real. I know I am dissociating as I have done it before and will do so again, I know the medical jargon and that does give me some comfort, to know it is a symptom. Not a state of being I will be stuck in forever. But it doesn't stop the feeling and I feel like I need to be near people, near walls, enclosed. I feel scared of the wide world. I am currently withdrawing from taking mirtazapine which I have been on since 3rd February. It has not helped me at all. 
It is different to an SSRI, the more common anti-depressants, such as as sertraline and fluoxetine, both of which I have been on. It is different in that it is an atypical antidepressant. I have found it came with the following side effects:

• Severe weight gain and appetite increase (I gained a stone in a month!)
• Constipation
• Tiredness in the day (I have been like a zombie the day after taking it as I take it at night, I have been slurring my words, unable to keep my eyes open, sleeping too much!)

I have spoken to my Doctor and my Psychiatrist and they have both agreed I can come off of it. I haven't noticed my low mood or anxiety to have alleviated at all while on the medication so there doesn't seem much point in staying on it and becoming fatter and more zombie-like.

I am hoping they will replace it with a different anti-depressant as coming off of it my mood has decreased. I take it at night to help me sleep as I was on a helpful concoction of sertraline 150mg daily and quetiapine 150mg at night and this together fought my OCD, anxiety, mood swings and insomnia. But now it is all up in the air again as since being hospitalised and taken off sertraline completely and quetiapine at night due to overdosing on it and being seriously ill, to moving onto Depixol injection (flupentixol, anti-psychotic, for mood stability, anxiety and depression) and mirtazapine as the anti-depressant (instead of sertraline) and sleep aid (instead of quetiapine) and Depixol as an added mood stabiliser.

I am weary about what meds they may or may not put me on and just want to go back to sertraline and quetiapine as I was on them years and they were my comfort blanket. 

I write this experiencing dissociation and wanting to run back to my Dad's house and say "Cuddle me til this is over!"

I am going to try and read or do something. I need to take 15mg mirtazapine (the lowest dose, which is apparently the most sedating, weird I know!) instead of the 30mg I was on until Friday when I have a phone call booked in with my psychiatrist and he will talk me through what I will try next.

Wish me luck as I don't feel too good, my mood is low, my anxiety is high, if only they were the other way round.

What Do You Have To Do To Get Help?

I really don’t know what you have to do to get help? How half dead you need to be, or dead.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Something that makes mental health professionals shiver when they hear. They can’t treat it, there’s no set medication for it. There’s no proof hospitalisation helps it. But what about when you are in a crisis, where do you go then?

I was and have been in a crisis recently and had an appointment with my care coordinator but her lips were moving all I could hear were the 4 voices in my head telling me to stab her. Obviously I didn’t want to so I said I needed the loo and ran away to the nearest railway crossing where I sat on the train tracks like a nutter. The train stopped as it saw me in time and I ashamedly climbed over the boundaries. I was sectioned by the police and taken to a 136 suite an hour away. I was kept there overnight in a prison cell like room only to be told after the assessment I wasn’t ‘psychotic’ enough or I had capacity so I didn’t meet the criteria to be sectioned. So I was sent home with no follow up support. And that night I cut myself and ended up in the general where I was sent home again.

What is going on? I have been nearly hit by a train and I still don’t meet criteria for inpatient help.

It feels like people with BPD are being ignored, let down and mistreated. I am currently in a low episode and feel like overdosing or cutting. What do I do? Who do I speak to? I want to hold down a good job but I’m sick of feeling low and not knowing when I will do.

BPD patients are recommended not to be institutionalised but what do we do in a crisis, how do we get help? What more do you want from us!?

Psychotic Catatonic Night Out: My Trip on Weed

So it was my second night in Amsterdam and after an embarrassing fake ‘hemp chocolate bar’ we decided to try the real thing and went to a coffee shop and ordered tea and a ‘space brownie.’

Waiting for the effects to begin was quite nerve wracking. I suddenly started to feel odd. I felt like everything was spinning and my girlfriend’s face was moving and blurry. It wasn’t like being drunk, it was like nothing I had ever felt before, and not in a good way. It didn’t chill me out, I wasn’t high I was psychotic. The last thing I remember before my episode began was clambering onto my girlfriend’s lap to feel safe. Then I spaced out. I didn’t speak for 6 hours. I took my clothes off in public and started touching myself inappropriately, I was talking to people who weren’t there, and whispering song lyrics. I was off my rocker. It was like I had taken cocaine, not cannabis.

I remember coming round in the hotel lobby with a plate of food under my nose. It was funny now I look back at it, but at the time it was terrifying. I remember feeling like my heart was racing so fast it would stop and talking to people in my head.

Not everyone reacts the same to drugs and weed did not chill me out. I have mental health issues and am on strong medication and it may have reacted to my meds but I can’t imagine what I’d be like on anything stronger than cannabis, considering even on alcohol I’m a demon.

If you like Pina coladas, a good laugh and a glass of Pinot Grigio….

Pre show info:

This is a show about optimism and hopefulness and about looking for people and things to look up to. It’s about wanting more from life than it might be up for giving out. It’s about struggling with realising what you are, who you are and what you can’t change about yourself, and about really feeling like an outsider for the first time.

I’m 34, I wanted to have kids by now, and be in love, and have a country that didn’t vote with the far right parties to march us all off a cliff. And be able to do all the awesome stuff that activists do, that I can’t do, too. I thought we would have won by now. And I wanted to be taller and better looking.

If you like Pina coladas and a good laugh and a glass of Pinot grigio….

Review of Josie Long’s ‘Something Better’ at The Brighton Dome on 10^th February 2017 By Tori Munro

Josie Long promised a show about left wing politics and she certainly kept her promise. It was ‘something better.’ I laughed for the majority of the show, the only time I wasn’t laughing was the interval and the jokes I was too young to understand (which sadly there weren’t many as I am now 21!)

Starting the show with open karaoke, singing The Pina Colada song and narrating the lyrics which made you think about the meaning the song had was a laugh. I have never seen a comedian start their show with karaoke so it certainly gave the show an air of difference.

She was very much into her left wing, vote remain, vote Liberal or labour and who the hell is Trump and why is he in charge?! I could relate to this and hoped that some of the audience, if they were mid or right wing had been converted to the left.

Her open and honest approach to life made me laugh and admire her. She made a joke out of everything, even herself, which must be hard to do actually do. She was entertaining, witty and clever. It was a show that had been clearly thought about and practised, but it didn’t feel rehearsed or staged and I forgot I was at a gig venue, well, The Brighton Dome to be precise and felt I was sat next to her on her sofa drinking pinot grigio with her (she wasn’t drinking pinot grigio on stage let me clarify but she did advertise it as being THE DRINK you have to drink once you reach age of 34 and if you are a woman.) I am sure she increased The Dome’s Bar sales of pinot grigio in the interval by about 75 per cent.

I left the show laughing, pondering and with a sense of excitement, which, let’s face it in post Brexit-conservative Britain is hard to feel. She made me hopeful, she made me want to make a difference. She made me feel like there was SOMETHING BETTER out there for all of us, regardless of our political situation.

*Tickets courtesy of University Radio Falmer (URF) @URFOfficial https://www.facebook.com/URFOfficial/?fref=ts)*

Published on Smashed Vinyl : http://www.smashedvinyl.com/single-post/2017/02/24/If-You-Like-Pina-Coladas-A-Good-Laugh-and-A-Glass-of-Pinot-Grigio-Josie-Long-Reviewed

BPD Patients Are Being Let Down By Services

Mental health services in the U.K are failing patients. Southern Health and Sussex Partnership both had to apologise for failing patients on multiple occasions, leading to deaths of both patients and members of the public.
It is a vicious circle if you need mental health help. You tell the service that you feel suicidal but they dismiss it and tell you to 'have a bath' or 'light some candles.' THIS DOES NOT HELP. I don't even have a bath!!!
They don't believe you when you say you are suicidal, then you attempt it and they are sorry but not sorry enough and they send you home, back to danger, back to being unsafe, scared, alone and depressed.
It feels like you have to be half dead to get help. It has got the stage where you have to harm yourself to get the help!
Don't even get me started on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) stigma in mental health services, The amount of professionals I've seen who, the second they walk in the door I can see in their eyes they are already writing me off, as an attention seeker, drama queen. They don't take me seriously.
According to the NICE guidelines for BPD (that don't sound very nice!) patients with BPD don't benefit from hospital admissions as their condition cannot be resolved with medication and they need to learn to live in the community. That is all well and good but when you are suicidal you can't even get out of bed, let alone live or function in the community and the majority of people with BPD suffer from depressive episodes. Apparently (according to an old psychiatrist I saw in one of my admissions) "People with BPD like the attention and like being in hospital."
Yes, I love it! I love being shut away from my family and friends, having to ask for my tweezers or plug my phone in to charge at the nursing station. I love being sat on a hospital bed looking outside and wishing I was hanging from one of the trees.
Apparently we also get attached to members of staff, but quite frankly we can get attached to anyone very quickly and very intensely as it is a symptom of the disorder.
BPD often comes with other mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, eating disorders and OCD, so if we are not hospitalised for our BPD we could be hospitalised for a different condition. Also, the medication we take is often for the depression or the anxiety, not the BPD itself.
Due to the high impulses of BPD sufferers we are at risk of dying from impulsive self-harm or accidental death. And we often abuse alcohol and substances which puts us even more at risk.
To conclude this rant I would like to express that BPD is a serious mental illness and at least 70 per cent of people with BPD will attempt suicide in their lifetime and between 8 and 10 per cent of people with BPD with complete suicide which is more than 50 times the rate of suicide in the general population.
to point out that
So yeah, don't take us seriously, we are just attention seekers!

BPD Stigma

Borderline personality disorder is misunderstood. People think we are attention seekers, bipolar, psychotic, selfish, incapable of healthy relationships when actually we are just humans struggling to cope with an overload of emotions in a messed up world with too many expectations and pressures. It can be alienating, exhausting, depressing and crippling living with BPD but we try our best.

Life and Death Row: Is The Death Penalty Moral?

It's a VERY tough question  to ask....is the Death Penalty moral or not?
There is a saying, from the Bible I believe, but don't quote me on it as I am a thorough Atheist; 'an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth' that suggests some kind of karma. You get what you are given. If you kill someone, you should die.
But what about the expression 'two wrongs don't make a right?'
Is killing a killer just as wrong as the killer was to kill someone? (I have written killer too many times now!) The killer/convicted murderer has family and they will have to suffer and become bereaved if the prisoner is killed. But the family of the victim also had to suffer and grieve.
It is a VERY raw, delicate and debatable subject.....
I don't know how I feel about the Death Penalty. This post was inspired after watching the third episode in a 3-part BBC TV documentary on 'Life and Death Row.'
The thing that creeps me out is that, at the time of filming Robert Pruett's execution date was set for, I'm not sure what month, but summer 2013. The crisis team managed to appeal a 60 day postponement in the execution date, which could be up to two years as they were re-testing DNA samples from the crime scene that could change the murder 'theory' completely. It is has obviously become a 3 year wait as Robert's execution date is April 27th 2016 (and watching the documentary, filmed in 2013, it said the date would be April 2016), it was only broadcast in 2014, so I'm not sure how it popped us as a most recent documentary. I think it was on an advert break when I was watching BBC's (1 of 4 part independent episodes on mental health) Life After Suicide .
Anyway, sorry I went off topic, so...the freaky thing is that it is now THE year of his execution and next month it will take place. Also, my dissertation is due in on 27th April (that's the deadline, which is darkly humorously ironic.)
But seeing Robert talk he didn't look like a murderer, but what does one look like?
I just feel that killing a human (because they killed a human) is wrong and a vicious circle as whoever injects the lethal dose of whatever it is they give them to kill them, maybe they are then a murderer?
Also, what about cases that, after the prisoner has been killed, it comes out that they are innocent.
Killing is a bad thing so killing a killer is encouraging killing!? (Too much killing again!)
I just feel everyone deserves a second chance and a right to live, to some degree. However it is hard, like, for example: I would wish Hitler dead, I would wish someone if they were to kill a member of my family dead, But then could I seriously think about the murderer's family and how they felt or would my own grief and anger blind me?
Perhaps, if it is proved 100 per cent, which is near enough impossible, someone who murders in cold blood for no reason and shows no remorse should die.
But not someone who was having a fight and hit too hard, or someone who got involved with the wrong people and was pressured into fighting people and ended up killing someone. Not someone who is VERY mentally ill, as they lack capacity, so technically they didn't 'do it' because they weren't 'all there' at the time.
Anyway, rant over, with not much of a conclussion, but an interesting subject and was enjoyable writing a blog post again. Try watching the Life and Death Row series and see what you think?!...

Extreme Mood Swings: Sudden Depressive Episode: My Experience

Low episode....if you can call it that. I don't know how to describe it. It came over all of a sudden, out of the blue like a dark cloud on a sunny day. Suddenly I want to be dead, to sleep, to feel nothing. I feel nothing, but a painful kind of nothing, not sadness, this isn't sadness. This is something more.
It is the BLACK DOG. It is depression. It is a depressive episode. I don't know how long it will last, hopefully a few hours, not days, not weeks, or months, or years.
I am stuck in treacle, I can't move, even typing these words is too much. The light is too bright. I want to be in the dark in a fetal position, under a blanket, warm, away from the world.
What do I do? Do I give in to the demon telling me I am pathetic and better off dead and find a way, in this safe, restricted envrionment, to kill myself? Do I go to sleep? Do I take a sedative? Do I read a book, but how do I read when words don't make sense and they just move around in order. Do I listen to music? But sad songs make me cry and happy songs annoy me.
Do I lie on my bed staring into thin air and let the feeling pass?
Chocolate. Books. Dogs. Music. Things I love. Right now, chocolate is poison, books are annoying, dogs are ugly and music is too loud, too stimulating.
I will have to ride the wave....an emotion can only last for so long, so I have been told, so I will ride the wave....it is at it's peak, but it will dip, it will come crashing down, back to the shore.
I will wash up on the sand and the sun will shine again and life will be worth living.
These are the days, the hours, the moments, that are so fatal. These are the suicidal episodes. But I won't let them win, I won't become a statistic, a sad news story, a corpse in a coffin, I will stay alive. All good things come to an end but all bad things do too.
If it's not OK, it's not the end.
I will fight this beast, this slug, this black dog, this demonic monster.
Tomorrow I'll be on top of the world.

Cheers To Becoming Teetotal

Alcohol is evil really.
It is technically a poison and if it was to be classified now as a new drug it would be a Class A.

There are way more negatives than positives to alcohol.

Negatives

• Liver disease
• Increases blood pressure
• Increases cholesterol
• Increases risk of diabetes
• Increases your risk of liver disease
• Increases your risk of cancer
• Increases your risk of having a stroke    
• Beer goggle mistakes
• Blackouts
• Hangovers
• Making bad decisions
• Regrets
• Waking up not knowing what you did the night before
• Women are more likely to be sexually assaulted when intoxicated
• Expensive
• Most people are arseholes when they are drunk
• Alcohol related brain damage
• Alcohol amnesia
• Addiction
• Reacts badly with many medications
• It's a depressant
• People with mental health problems shouldn't drink alcohol
• It reacts with some psychiatric medication
• People attempt suicide more often when they are intoxicated
• A million more bullet points

Positives                                                                                      

• If you drink it in really small amounts every day, it probably reduces your risk of dying prematurely of heart disease 
• Loosens inhibitions
• People think you are normal and 'one of the lads'/or you can attend your best friend's wine and cheese party without being shunned for not drinking.
• Some people can drink it and have a good night

So, finally, after only three years of drinking (I first got drunk age 17, well technically 16 by myself but I don't count that, I was 17 when I first got drunk socially, which is pretty late really!) and now age 20 with a few fond memories of drunken nights, such as my 18th birthday and my first year of university when I was an annoying drunk, a hyper drunk, an immature drunk, but mostly a million regrets, countless tales of suicide attempts, overdoses, self harm, ruining parties, ruining my brother's 18th birthday party, being angry, crying, self destructing, embarrassing myself and waking up the next day with physical and emotional injuries and scars, I have decided FOR MYSELF I am going to stop drinking. I am becoming Teetotal, age 20.

This year I turn 21, and I was worrying about all the events in the future that would have meant I was drinking alcohol. Summer Ball, Leavers Beach Party, Graduation Ball, My 21st Birthday. But now I realise this - other people can drink, but I don't have to. I don't need to get slaughtered for my 21st birthday, I can go out for a meal, stay in, have a party and drink soft drinks or non-alcoholic wine. This way I will not be the one embarrassing myself, I will remember the entire evening, I will save money, I will be hangover free, I won't lose the next day, I won't ruin my clothing or break my finger or smash my phone (I hope!) 

I have realised now that I HAVE to stop drinking for ME. And no-one else, and everyone else, but predominantly me. Because before, each time I drank and something stupid happened, each time people told me to stop drinking and I said I would, I always did drink again and I tried to pretend that it would be fine this time. I said I was in a good mood so nothing bad would happen (it still did), I said I would only have one glass (famous last words), I said I would have a soft drink and then temptation became too much and I bought myself a glass of wine. Looking at it now, the warning signs were there and it may be too late to repair some of the damage I have caused to both my liver and my life/self/ones who care about me, but equally it may not be.

I know now I need to be confident and happy in the fact that I don't drink. I need to say it with pride, not mumble it with embarrassment. It is hard at the moment, but one day I will be able to be in a room full of people drinking alcohol, sipping my Coke or alcohol-free wine and be completely at peace with it. I want to be able to say "I haven't drunk alcohol in two years" or three or four or ten. I want to be able to say "The last time I had a drink was Thursday 7th January 2016." It was cheap Co-op Rose' wine and it was gross and it wasn't a happy occasion, I overdosed on paracetamol with it. 

Every time I want to drink, every time I get that horrible stupid urge to drink, the demon in my head that gets upset and angry that I'm not drinking, the genetic predisposition of alcohol addiction, the infant alcoholic, the night ruiner and liver bully...I will tell it NO. I will remember the last drink I had was a disgusting Rose' wine that twinned with paracetamol, could have killed me, nearly killed me. 

So here's to becoming Teetotal. I am sure I will save money, for both myself and the NHS. My liver will thank me, my mind will thank me and everyone who has suffered at the hands of my drunken self will thank me.  

Cheers to life with less drama.

(Below are a few articles that I found interesting/useful/inspiring.)

Being teetotal is intoxicating: giving up alcohol gave me back my life

Chaotic lives and ethical dilemmas: inside the hospital liver ward

My drinking years: ‘Everyone has blackouts, don’t they?’

28 Celebrities Who Have Admitted They Don't Drink