BPD Patients Are Being Let Down By Services

Mental health services in the U.K are failing patients. Southern Health and Sussex Partnership both had to apologise for failing patients on multiple occasions, leading to deaths of both patients and members of the public.
It is a vicious circle if you need mental health help. You tell the service that you feel suicidal but they dismiss it and tell you to 'have a bath' or 'light some candles.' THIS DOES NOT HELP. I don't even have a bath!!!
They don't believe you when you say you are suicidal, then you attempt it and they are sorry but not sorry enough and they send you home, back to danger, back to being unsafe, scared, alone and depressed.
It feels like you have to be half dead to get help. It has got the stage where you have to harm yourself to get the help!
Don't even get me started on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) stigma in mental health services, The amount of professionals I've seen who, the second they walk in the door I can see in their eyes they are already writing me off, as an attention seeker, drama queen. They don't take me seriously.
According to the NICE guidelines for BPD (that don't sound very nice!) patients with BPD don't benefit from hospital admissions as their condition cannot be resolved with medication and they need to learn to live in the community. That is all well and good but when you are suicidal you can't even get out of bed, let alone live or function in the community and the majority of people with BPD suffer from depressive episodes. Apparently (according to an old psychiatrist I saw in one of my admissions) "People with BPD like the attention and like being in hospital."
Yes, I love it! I love being shut away from my family and friends, having to ask for my tweezers or plug my phone in to charge at the nursing station. I love being sat on a hospital bed looking outside and wishing I was hanging from one of the trees.
Apparently we also get attached to members of staff, but quite frankly we can get attached to anyone very quickly and very intensely as it is a symptom of the disorder.
BPD often comes with other mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, eating disorders and OCD, so if we are not hospitalised for our BPD we could be hospitalised for a different condition. Also, the medication we take is often for the depression or the anxiety, not the BPD itself.
Due to the high impulses of BPD sufferers we are at risk of dying from impulsive self-harm or accidental death. And we often abuse alcohol and substances which puts us even more at risk.
To conclude this rant I would like to express that BPD is a serious mental illness and at least 70 per cent of people with BPD will attempt suicide in their lifetime and between 8 and 10 per cent of people with BPD with complete suicide which is more than 50 times the rate of suicide in the general population.
to point out that
So yeah, don't take us seriously, we are just attention seekers!

Cheers To Becoming Teetotal

Alcohol is evil really.
It is technically a poison and if it was to be classified now as a new drug it would be a Class A.

There are way more negatives than positives to alcohol.

Negatives

• Liver disease
• Increases blood pressure
• Increases cholesterol
• Increases risk of diabetes
• Increases your risk of liver disease
• Increases your risk of cancer
• Increases your risk of having a stroke    
• Beer goggle mistakes
• Blackouts
• Hangovers
• Making bad decisions
• Regrets
• Waking up not knowing what you did the night before
• Women are more likely to be sexually assaulted when intoxicated
• Expensive
• Most people are arseholes when they are drunk
• Alcohol related brain damage
• Alcohol amnesia
• Addiction
• Reacts badly with many medications
• It's a depressant
• People with mental health problems shouldn't drink alcohol
• It reacts with some psychiatric medication
• People attempt suicide more often when they are intoxicated
• A million more bullet points

Positives                                                                                      

• If you drink it in really small amounts every day, it probably reduces your risk of dying prematurely of heart disease 
• Loosens inhibitions
• People think you are normal and 'one of the lads'/or you can attend your best friend's wine and cheese party without being shunned for not drinking.
• Some people can drink it and have a good night

So, finally, after only three years of drinking (I first got drunk age 17, well technically 16 by myself but I don't count that, I was 17 when I first got drunk socially, which is pretty late really!) and now age 20 with a few fond memories of drunken nights, such as my 18th birthday and my first year of university when I was an annoying drunk, a hyper drunk, an immature drunk, but mostly a million regrets, countless tales of suicide attempts, overdoses, self harm, ruining parties, ruining my brother's 18th birthday party, being angry, crying, self destructing, embarrassing myself and waking up the next day with physical and emotional injuries and scars, I have decided FOR MYSELF I am going to stop drinking. I am becoming Teetotal, age 20.

This year I turn 21, and I was worrying about all the events in the future that would have meant I was drinking alcohol. Summer Ball, Leavers Beach Party, Graduation Ball, My 21st Birthday. But now I realise this - other people can drink, but I don't have to. I don't need to get slaughtered for my 21st birthday, I can go out for a meal, stay in, have a party and drink soft drinks or non-alcoholic wine. This way I will not be the one embarrassing myself, I will remember the entire evening, I will save money, I will be hangover free, I won't lose the next day, I won't ruin my clothing or break my finger or smash my phone (I hope!) 

I have realised now that I HAVE to stop drinking for ME. And no-one else, and everyone else, but predominantly me. Because before, each time I drank and something stupid happened, each time people told me to stop drinking and I said I would, I always did drink again and I tried to pretend that it would be fine this time. I said I was in a good mood so nothing bad would happen (it still did), I said I would only have one glass (famous last words), I said I would have a soft drink and then temptation became too much and I bought myself a glass of wine. Looking at it now, the warning signs were there and it may be too late to repair some of the damage I have caused to both my liver and my life/self/ones who care about me, but equally it may not be.

I know now I need to be confident and happy in the fact that I don't drink. I need to say it with pride, not mumble it with embarrassment. It is hard at the moment, but one day I will be able to be in a room full of people drinking alcohol, sipping my Coke or alcohol-free wine and be completely at peace with it. I want to be able to say "I haven't drunk alcohol in two years" or three or four or ten. I want to be able to say "The last time I had a drink was Thursday 7th January 2016." It was cheap Co-op Rose' wine and it was gross and it wasn't a happy occasion, I overdosed on paracetamol with it. 

Every time I want to drink, every time I get that horrible stupid urge to drink, the demon in my head that gets upset and angry that I'm not drinking, the genetic predisposition of alcohol addiction, the infant alcoholic, the night ruiner and liver bully...I will tell it NO. I will remember the last drink I had was a disgusting Rose' wine that twinned with paracetamol, could have killed me, nearly killed me. 

So here's to becoming Teetotal. I am sure I will save money, for both myself and the NHS. My liver will thank me, my mind will thank me and everyone who has suffered at the hands of my drunken self will thank me.  

Cheers to life with less drama.

(Below are a few articles that I found interesting/useful/inspiring.)

Being teetotal is intoxicating: giving up alcohol gave me back my life

Chaotic lives and ethical dilemmas: inside the hospital liver ward

My drinking years: ‘Everyone has blackouts, don’t they?’

28 Celebrities Who Have Admitted They Don't Drink