Sensory Overload Episode

How it feels: A sensory overload, depersonalisation derealisation disorder

Everything is too much. Too bright, too loud, too sharp round the edges and the only thing I can do is go in a dark room and shut my eyes. I am spaced out, not myself, in a dream and nothing feels real. Writing this the words blur into each other and pierce at my skin. I haven’t been able to watch TV or read properly in months now, due to anxiety and the anxiety pill I used to take for it doesn’t work because I’ve got myself tolerant to it so it doesn’t work anymore. I write this after crawling round my flat shielding myself from inanimate objects that feel like a threat. Dissociation is something I’ve got used to in my life, I’ve experienced it for years, but lately it’s got so bad I don’t know if I’m awake or sleep. Let me go and lie down in a dark room until this passes. 

Mental Health: Coming Off Mirtazapine

I currently write this, while battling depression and anxiety and coming off mirtazapine. The anxiety is a strange one that has started about a week ago, I just feel scared. Of everything. And nothing feels real. I know I am dissociating as I have done it before and will do so again, I know the medical jargon and that does give me some comfort, to know it is a symptom. Not a state of being I will be stuck in forever. But it doesn't stop the feeling and I feel like I need to be near people, near walls, enclosed. I feel scared of the wide world. I am currently withdrawing from taking mirtazapine which I have been on since 3rd February. It has not helped me at all. 
It is different to an SSRI, the more common anti-depressants, such as as sertraline and fluoxetine, both of which I have been on. It is different in that it is an atypical antidepressant. I have found it came with the following side effects:

• Severe weight gain and appetite increase (I gained a stone in a month!)
• Constipation
• Tiredness in the day (I have been like a zombie the day after taking it as I take it at night, I have been slurring my words, unable to keep my eyes open, sleeping too much!)

I have spoken to my Doctor and my Psychiatrist and they have both agreed I can come off of it. I haven't noticed my low mood or anxiety to have alleviated at all while on the medication so there doesn't seem much point in staying on it and becoming fatter and more zombie-like.

I am hoping they will replace it with a different anti-depressant as coming off of it my mood has decreased. I take it at night to help me sleep as I was on a helpful concoction of sertraline 150mg daily and quetiapine 150mg at night and this together fought my OCD, anxiety, mood swings and insomnia. But now it is all up in the air again as since being hospitalised and taken off sertraline completely and quetiapine at night due to overdosing on it and being seriously ill, to moving onto Depixol injection (flupentixol, anti-psychotic, for mood stability, anxiety and depression) and mirtazapine as the anti-depressant (instead of sertraline) and sleep aid (instead of quetiapine) and Depixol as an added mood stabiliser.

I am weary about what meds they may or may not put me on and just want to go back to sertraline and quetiapine as I was on them years and they were my comfort blanket. 

I write this experiencing dissociation and wanting to run back to my Dad's house and say "Cuddle me til this is over!"

I am going to try and read or do something. I need to take 15mg mirtazapine (the lowest dose, which is apparently the most sedating, weird I know!) instead of the 30mg I was on until Friday when I have a phone call booked in with my psychiatrist and he will talk me through what I will try next.

Wish me luck as I don't feel too good, my mood is low, my anxiety is high, if only they were the other way round.

BPD Patients Are Being Let Down By Services

Mental health services in the U.K are failing patients. Southern Health and Sussex Partnership both had to apologise for failing patients on multiple occasions, leading to deaths of both patients and members of the public.
It is a vicious circle if you need mental health help. You tell the service that you feel suicidal but they dismiss it and tell you to 'have a bath' or 'light some candles.' THIS DOES NOT HELP. I don't even have a bath!!!
They don't believe you when you say you are suicidal, then you attempt it and they are sorry but not sorry enough and they send you home, back to danger, back to being unsafe, scared, alone and depressed.
It feels like you have to be half dead to get help. It has got the stage where you have to harm yourself to get the help!
Don't even get me started on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) stigma in mental health services, The amount of professionals I've seen who, the second they walk in the door I can see in their eyes they are already writing me off, as an attention seeker, drama queen. They don't take me seriously.
According to the NICE guidelines for BPD (that don't sound very nice!) patients with BPD don't benefit from hospital admissions as their condition cannot be resolved with medication and they need to learn to live in the community. That is all well and good but when you are suicidal you can't even get out of bed, let alone live or function in the community and the majority of people with BPD suffer from depressive episodes. Apparently (according to an old psychiatrist I saw in one of my admissions) "People with BPD like the attention and like being in hospital."
Yes, I love it! I love being shut away from my family and friends, having to ask for my tweezers or plug my phone in to charge at the nursing station. I love being sat on a hospital bed looking outside and wishing I was hanging from one of the trees.
Apparently we also get attached to members of staff, but quite frankly we can get attached to anyone very quickly and very intensely as it is a symptom of the disorder.
BPD often comes with other mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, eating disorders and OCD, so if we are not hospitalised for our BPD we could be hospitalised for a different condition. Also, the medication we take is often for the depression or the anxiety, not the BPD itself.
Due to the high impulses of BPD sufferers we are at risk of dying from impulsive self-harm or accidental death. And we often abuse alcohol and substances which puts us even more at risk.
To conclude this rant I would like to express that BPD is a serious mental illness and at least 70 per cent of people with BPD will attempt suicide in their lifetime and between 8 and 10 per cent of people with BPD with complete suicide which is more than 50 times the rate of suicide in the general population.
to point out that
So yeah, don't take us seriously, we are just attention seekers!

BPD Stigma

Borderline personality disorder is misunderstood. People think we are attention seekers, bipolar, psychotic, selfish, incapable of healthy relationships when actually we are just humans struggling to cope with an overload of emotions in a messed up world with too many expectations and pressures. It can be alienating, exhausting, depressing and crippling living with BPD but we try our best.

Life and Death Row: Is The Death Penalty Moral?

It's a VERY tough question  to ask....is the Death Penalty moral or not?
There is a saying, from the Bible I believe, but don't quote me on it as I am a thorough Atheist; 'an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth' that suggests some kind of karma. You get what you are given. If you kill someone, you should die.
But what about the expression 'two wrongs don't make a right?'
Is killing a killer just as wrong as the killer was to kill someone? (I have written killer too many times now!) The killer/convicted murderer has family and they will have to suffer and become bereaved if the prisoner is killed. But the family of the victim also had to suffer and grieve.
It is a VERY raw, delicate and debatable subject.....
I don't know how I feel about the Death Penalty. This post was inspired after watching the third episode in a 3-part BBC TV documentary on 'Life and Death Row.'
The thing that creeps me out is that, at the time of filming Robert Pruett's execution date was set for, I'm not sure what month, but summer 2013. The crisis team managed to appeal a 60 day postponement in the execution date, which could be up to two years as they were re-testing DNA samples from the crime scene that could change the murder 'theory' completely. It is has obviously become a 3 year wait as Robert's execution date is April 27th 2016 (and watching the documentary, filmed in 2013, it said the date would be April 2016), it was only broadcast in 2014, so I'm not sure how it popped us as a most recent documentary. I think it was on an advert break when I was watching BBC's (1 of 4 part independent episodes on mental health) Life After Suicide .
Anyway, sorry I went off topic, so...the freaky thing is that it is now THE year of his execution and next month it will take place. Also, my dissertation is due in on 27th April (that's the deadline, which is darkly humorously ironic.)
But seeing Robert talk he didn't look like a murderer, but what does one look like?
I just feel that killing a human (because they killed a human) is wrong and a vicious circle as whoever injects the lethal dose of whatever it is they give them to kill them, maybe they are then a murderer?
Also, what about cases that, after the prisoner has been killed, it comes out that they are innocent.
Killing is a bad thing so killing a killer is encouraging killing!? (Too much killing again!)
I just feel everyone deserves a second chance and a right to live, to some degree. However it is hard, like, for example: I would wish Hitler dead, I would wish someone if they were to kill a member of my family dead, But then could I seriously think about the murderer's family and how they felt or would my own grief and anger blind me?
Perhaps, if it is proved 100 per cent, which is near enough impossible, someone who murders in cold blood for no reason and shows no remorse should die.
But not someone who was having a fight and hit too hard, or someone who got involved with the wrong people and was pressured into fighting people and ended up killing someone. Not someone who is VERY mentally ill, as they lack capacity, so technically they didn't 'do it' because they weren't 'all there' at the time.
Anyway, rant over, with not much of a conclussion, but an interesting subject and was enjoyable writing a blog post again. Try watching the Life and Death Row series and see what you think?!...

Extreme Mood Swings: Sudden Depressive Episode: My Experience

Low episode....if you can call it that. I don't know how to describe it. It came over all of a sudden, out of the blue like a dark cloud on a sunny day. Suddenly I want to be dead, to sleep, to feel nothing. I feel nothing, but a painful kind of nothing, not sadness, this isn't sadness. This is something more.
It is the BLACK DOG. It is depression. It is a depressive episode. I don't know how long it will last, hopefully a few hours, not days, not weeks, or months, or years.
I am stuck in treacle, I can't move, even typing these words is too much. The light is too bright. I want to be in the dark in a fetal position, under a blanket, warm, away from the world.
What do I do? Do I give in to the demon telling me I am pathetic and better off dead and find a way, in this safe, restricted envrionment, to kill myself? Do I go to sleep? Do I take a sedative? Do I read a book, but how do I read when words don't make sense and they just move around in order. Do I listen to music? But sad songs make me cry and happy songs annoy me.
Do I lie on my bed staring into thin air and let the feeling pass?
Chocolate. Books. Dogs. Music. Things I love. Right now, chocolate is poison, books are annoying, dogs are ugly and music is too loud, too stimulating.
I will have to ride the wave....an emotion can only last for so long, so I have been told, so I will ride the wave....it is at it's peak, but it will dip, it will come crashing down, back to the shore.
I will wash up on the sand and the sun will shine again and life will be worth living.
These are the days, the hours, the moments, that are so fatal. These are the suicidal episodes. But I won't let them win, I won't become a statistic, a sad news story, a corpse in a coffin, I will stay alive. All good things come to an end but all bad things do too.
If it's not OK, it's not the end.
I will fight this beast, this slug, this black dog, this demonic monster.
Tomorrow I'll be on top of the world.

Cheers To Becoming Teetotal

Alcohol is evil really.
It is technically a poison and if it was to be classified now as a new drug it would be a Class A.

There are way more negatives than positives to alcohol.

Negatives

• Liver disease
• Increases blood pressure
• Increases cholesterol
• Increases risk of diabetes
• Increases your risk of liver disease
• Increases your risk of cancer
• Increases your risk of having a stroke    
• Beer goggle mistakes
• Blackouts
• Hangovers
• Making bad decisions
• Regrets
• Waking up not knowing what you did the night before
• Women are more likely to be sexually assaulted when intoxicated
• Expensive
• Most people are arseholes when they are drunk
• Alcohol related brain damage
• Alcohol amnesia
• Addiction
• Reacts badly with many medications
• It's a depressant
• People with mental health problems shouldn't drink alcohol
• It reacts with some psychiatric medication
• People attempt suicide more often when they are intoxicated
• A million more bullet points

Positives                                                                                      

• If you drink it in really small amounts every day, it probably reduces your risk of dying prematurely of heart disease 
• Loosens inhibitions
• People think you are normal and 'one of the lads'/or you can attend your best friend's wine and cheese party without being shunned for not drinking.
• Some people can drink it and have a good night

So, finally, after only three years of drinking (I first got drunk age 17, well technically 16 by myself but I don't count that, I was 17 when I first got drunk socially, which is pretty late really!) and now age 20 with a few fond memories of drunken nights, such as my 18th birthday and my first year of university when I was an annoying drunk, a hyper drunk, an immature drunk, but mostly a million regrets, countless tales of suicide attempts, overdoses, self harm, ruining parties, ruining my brother's 18th birthday party, being angry, crying, self destructing, embarrassing myself and waking up the next day with physical and emotional injuries and scars, I have decided FOR MYSELF I am going to stop drinking. I am becoming Teetotal, age 20.

This year I turn 21, and I was worrying about all the events in the future that would have meant I was drinking alcohol. Summer Ball, Leavers Beach Party, Graduation Ball, My 21st Birthday. But now I realise this - other people can drink, but I don't have to. I don't need to get slaughtered for my 21st birthday, I can go out for a meal, stay in, have a party and drink soft drinks or non-alcoholic wine. This way I will not be the one embarrassing myself, I will remember the entire evening, I will save money, I will be hangover free, I won't lose the next day, I won't ruin my clothing or break my finger or smash my phone (I hope!) 

I have realised now that I HAVE to stop drinking for ME. And no-one else, and everyone else, but predominantly me. Because before, each time I drank and something stupid happened, each time people told me to stop drinking and I said I would, I always did drink again and I tried to pretend that it would be fine this time. I said I was in a good mood so nothing bad would happen (it still did), I said I would only have one glass (famous last words), I said I would have a soft drink and then temptation became too much and I bought myself a glass of wine. Looking at it now, the warning signs were there and it may be too late to repair some of the damage I have caused to both my liver and my life/self/ones who care about me, but equally it may not be.

I know now I need to be confident and happy in the fact that I don't drink. I need to say it with pride, not mumble it with embarrassment. It is hard at the moment, but one day I will be able to be in a room full of people drinking alcohol, sipping my Coke or alcohol-free wine and be completely at peace with it. I want to be able to say "I haven't drunk alcohol in two years" or three or four or ten. I want to be able to say "The last time I had a drink was Thursday 7th January 2016." It was cheap Co-op Rose' wine and it was gross and it wasn't a happy occasion, I overdosed on paracetamol with it. 

Every time I want to drink, every time I get that horrible stupid urge to drink, the demon in my head that gets upset and angry that I'm not drinking, the genetic predisposition of alcohol addiction, the infant alcoholic, the night ruiner and liver bully...I will tell it NO. I will remember the last drink I had was a disgusting Rose' wine that twinned with paracetamol, could have killed me, nearly killed me. 

So here's to becoming Teetotal. I am sure I will save money, for both myself and the NHS. My liver will thank me, my mind will thank me and everyone who has suffered at the hands of my drunken self will thank me.  

Cheers to life with less drama.

(Below are a few articles that I found interesting/useful/inspiring.)

Being teetotal is intoxicating: giving up alcohol gave me back my life

Chaotic lives and ethical dilemmas: inside the hospital liver ward

My drinking years: ‘Everyone has blackouts, don’t they?’

28 Celebrities Who Have Admitted They Don't Drink

Mental Health: Helpful Sites

http://www.mind.org.uk/
Mind - a mental health charity - their website offers support for those living with mental illness and their family/friends
http://www.rethink.org/
A mental health charity
http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/
A charity campaigning to end the stigma and discrimination surrounding mental illness
http://www.samaritans.org/
A suicide hotline
http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/
The Mental Health Charity
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/index.html
A lifesaving piece of information

Don't Call Me Crazy

So a new programme began this week. 'Don't Call Me Crazy' follows the lives of teenagers in an inpatient psychiatric hospital in the UK, suffering from various mental illnesses. The unit - The McGuinness unit, has now been replaced by a brand new modern unit called Junction 17.
After staying at one myself, for 2 weeks, I found this programme rather interesting, yet also sad. Sad because of the illnesses the young people have and sad because of the way they are treated.
My stay at a psychiatric unit was a rather positive experience.
The people there were not restrained in front of other young people, which they are in the McGuinness unit.
One of the patients who suffered from depression, anorexia and also self harmed, refused to be weighed and eat. At the unit I was at, the young people had to eat, and did. They were weighed. They were supervised a lot of the time to ensure they were not exercising and moving around, especially twitching and fidgeting slightly to burn off calories. They went to the toilet and were not allowed to flush the loo until the staff had checked there was not sick down the toilet, which is a way of purging (vomiting).
On the positive and motivational side, one of the patients who suffered with acute OCD told the camera how "OCD does not define her as a person."
The patients raised awareness of the stigma surrounding mental illness and shared personal insight into their minds. All in all it was a very worthwhile programme. It was widely talked about. I read this article in The Guardian which advertised and promoted the programme which raises awareness surrounding mental health.

January Schofield

After reading Michael Schofield's book, January First, I felt compelled to write this post.

January First

January Schofield (known as Jani, or previously, Janni with double 'n's) was born on 8th August 2002 (8th August is also my birthday!) By the time she was six years old she was diagnosed with onset-childhood schizophrenia. 
'January First' is her father's poignant, moving account of the Schofield family's struggle to cope with the mental illness that was tearing apart their beloved daughter. 
I cried a lot whilst reading the book, however in the closing chapter which was written in July 2011, Michael says how Jani is now on medication that is helping a great deal, she is not so violent, and she has many more moments of happiness. 

Jani - just a sweet little girl.

I heard about Jani when I was on YouTube one day and a video popped up about 'America's schizophrenic child'. Jani was seemingly born mentally ill. A devastating article from The Mirror in October 2012 explains how Jani's younger brother, Bodhi, may also have schizophrenia, he has currently been diagnosed with autism. 
Jani barely slept as a baby and would look around at things that weren't there. She was an extremely imaginative child but by the age of five she was becoming violent, biting, scratching and hitting her parents like she was fighting for her life. Soon after Bodhi was born, Jani tried to attack and kill him. She also started hitting the family dog, Honey. Her imaginary friends were in fact hallucinations - telling her to hurt herself and her family. Jani was always a very clever child with a high IQ, she hated going by her real name 'January' and frequently changed it. She was very good with numbers and her imaginary friends often had names that were numbers, such as 400 the cat. After masses of medication was tried and different diagnoses were suggested, Jani was diagnosed with schizophrenia. 
Jani's father Michael had a mentally ill mother, and another relative who suffered with schizoprenia who ended up committing suicide. Susan, Jani's mother, had a relative who also had schizophrenia. As a child Michael had ADHD and as an adult suffered with chronic depression and reguarly took Lexapro, an anti-depressant.

The autobiography/tale of a family is so truthful and raw. I was crying when the family cried and smiling when they smiled. I felt so much for poor Jani, as she would never be able to have a normal life - go to school, college, get married, have children. The frustration and anger that Michael felt at Jani's schizophrenia for ruining her childhood/life was so obvious in the book, and I was also angry at the illness for ruining a young child's life. The ending is happy, as happy as it can be, as Jani is a lot better (although never will be fully better as there currently is no cure for schizophrenia). Michael saw it as: try and give Jani the best life we can, keep her alive, make sure she is happy. They were given Jani from God, Susan feels. Although there are challenges that come with looking after her, she is also their daughter, their child. She is gifted with extreme intelligence, but also beauty and when she is herself and not under psychotic behaviours, a lovely sweet little girl.

Jani's parents have set up a website, The Jani Foundation, which highlights mental illness in children and offers support for those suffering and their family.

Stop The Stigma Around Mental Health Issues

I hear the words "mental" and "psycho" and "schizo" being thrown around carelessly. 
What if you were one of those people who suffered with psychosis or schizophrenia?
The stigma around mental health illnesses has got to stop.
If someone has a broken leg or a black eye, people can see they are ill, but if you are mentally ill - no-one can tell. But those with psychological illnesses are still ill, they still need love and care and support.
In some ways illness of the mind can be worse than physical illness. It's harder to explain, it doesn't show and it is seen as 'strange'. Even in 2013 I still come across people who are prejudice against those with mental illnesses.
People with mental illness are not crazy, nor are they violent or hateful. They are not all suffering with the same condition. Not all depressives are suicidal, not all schizophrenics are violent, not all people with OCD are obsessive about hygiene.
So stop with the stigma. Think about it more. Research it. Support it. Mental health illnesses are not something to be ashamed of. Wipe-out stigma. Please. Start today.

The Truth About Depression

The black dog.
Down in the dumps.
The blues. 
It doesn't matter what you call it.
It's depression.
It sucks all the life from you and colours your world black. You see in black and white, you lose your appetite, all you want to do is sleep. Past hobbies and leisure activities become boring.
It is a killer, a life destroyer.
Bipolar disorder is also a life destroyer. It can have you crying one minute and laughing the next. Manic episodes result in hyper activity, a high sex drive and unlimited energy, however down episodes leave you wondering why you're alive and attempting to slit your wrist.
People tell those with depression to "Put your chin up" or "Look on the bright side". But it is not that simple. There is a chemical imbalance in their brain, their serotonin levels are low, they cannot control their mood. I'm sick of the stigma that surrounds depression. Everyone who judges depressed people, I guarantee if they had a while living with depression they'd soon change their judgement.