Just Get Some Fresh Air

Myself and many others who suffer with depression are sick of being told to 'get some fresh air!'
It doesn't work like that. We are depressed and nothing will change that. Leave us be and we will be ok. We need to stay in bed or hideaway for a reason. Our minds need recharging. Stop telling us to get out because it won't change anything and you shouldn't give advice unless you truly understand depression and mental illness.
Try walking a mile in our shoes and then tell us what to do.

Duvet Days or Depression Days?

Today I had a duvet day.
I didn't get out of bed until 2pm.
I lay there, feeling low and not wanting to move so I didn't, but now I feel worse.
Are duvet days good for people with depression or does it feed the low mood?
I'm not quite sure. Some days, like tomorrow, I have work, so I know I have to be up, makes me want to stay in bed even more but once I'm up at work I feel better.
Bit of a short post. But a question for you...duvet days, good or bad for depression?

It's Sunny Outside But Not In My Head

It's 3pm in the afternoon on a gloriously sunny April day and I have only just got up. I am still in my pyjamas and probably still will be by this evening until I convince myself I need to shower. I am currently suffering from a depressive episode and everything feels pointless. Really, what is the point in anything? I went to bed last night at 9pm because I didn't know what else to do and my ongoing severe anxiety is preventing me from watching TV or reading. I am living in my own kind of hell.
The guilt is pressing down on me. What have I got to be sad about? Nothing in particular. A break up that happened six months ago that I still haven't processed, but other than that, nothing. I have a holiday booked for 3 month's time. I have a new job I start next week. I have a family who love me, yet I still can't stop thinking the world would be a better place if I wasn't in it.
I'm no stranger to suicidal thoughts and attempts and the only thing stopping me is the impact it would have on my family. But I thought I would write an article about how it feels to be depressed, these are the thoughts and emotions going through my head:

• Guilt, why am I feeling low? What have I got to be low about? People are worse off than me.
• Shame, I should be out functioning in society
• Suicidal thoughts, I should just die. Everyone's better off without me.
• Anger, why do I have to suffer this? Why aren't my anti-depressants working?
• Frustration, why am I in this episode? When will it end?
• Anxiety. I can't read or watch TV? What can I do?

I will probably end up going back to bed after writing this article. My family encourage me to go for a walk or sit in the sun but it doesn't help and even if it does it is only for five or ten minutes. The root cause of this depression is unknown so I am waiting and hoping it will lift.

This is what it is like to be depressed, not fun, not glamorous and not easy.

Mental Health: Coming Off Mirtazapine

I currently write this, while battling depression and anxiety and coming off mirtazapine. The anxiety is a strange one that has started about a week ago, I just feel scared. Of everything. And nothing feels real. I know I am dissociating as I have done it before and will do so again, I know the medical jargon and that does give me some comfort, to know it is a symptom. Not a state of being I will be stuck in forever. But it doesn't stop the feeling and I feel like I need to be near people, near walls, enclosed. I feel scared of the wide world. I am currently withdrawing from taking mirtazapine which I have been on since 3rd February. It has not helped me at all. 
It is different to an SSRI, the more common anti-depressants, such as as sertraline and fluoxetine, both of which I have been on. It is different in that it is an atypical antidepressant. I have found it came with the following side effects:

• Severe weight gain and appetite increase (I gained a stone in a month!)
• Constipation
• Tiredness in the day (I have been like a zombie the day after taking it as I take it at night, I have been slurring my words, unable to keep my eyes open, sleeping too much!)

I have spoken to my Doctor and my Psychiatrist and they have both agreed I can come off of it. I haven't noticed my low mood or anxiety to have alleviated at all while on the medication so there doesn't seem much point in staying on it and becoming fatter and more zombie-like.

I am hoping they will replace it with a different anti-depressant as coming off of it my mood has decreased. I take it at night to help me sleep as I was on a helpful concoction of sertraline 150mg daily and quetiapine 150mg at night and this together fought my OCD, anxiety, mood swings and insomnia. But now it is all up in the air again as since being hospitalised and taken off sertraline completely and quetiapine at night due to overdosing on it and being seriously ill, to moving onto Depixol injection (flupentixol, anti-psychotic, for mood stability, anxiety and depression) and mirtazapine as the anti-depressant (instead of sertraline) and sleep aid (instead of quetiapine) and Depixol as an added mood stabiliser.

I am weary about what meds they may or may not put me on and just want to go back to sertraline and quetiapine as I was on them years and they were my comfort blanket. 

I write this experiencing dissociation and wanting to run back to my Dad's house and say "Cuddle me til this is over!"

I am going to try and read or do something. I need to take 15mg mirtazapine (the lowest dose, which is apparently the most sedating, weird I know!) instead of the 30mg I was on until Friday when I have a phone call booked in with my psychiatrist and he will talk me through what I will try next.

Wish me luck as I don't feel too good, my mood is low, my anxiety is high, if only they were the other way round.