It's Sunny Outside But Not In My Head

It's 3pm in the afternoon on a gloriously sunny April day and I have only just got up. I am still in my pyjamas and probably still will be by this evening until I convince myself I need to shower. I am currently suffering from a depressive episode and everything feels pointless. Really, what is the point in anything? I went to bed last night at 9pm because I didn't know what else to do and my ongoing severe anxiety is preventing me from watching TV or reading. I am living in my own kind of hell.
The guilt is pressing down on me. What have I got to be sad about? Nothing in particular. A break up that happened six months ago that I still haven't processed, but other than that, nothing. I have a holiday booked for 3 month's time. I have a new job I start next week. I have a family who love me, yet I still can't stop thinking the world would be a better place if I wasn't in it.
I'm no stranger to suicidal thoughts and attempts and the only thing stopping me is the impact it would have on my family. But I thought I would write an article about how it feels to be depressed, these are the thoughts and emotions going through my head:

• Guilt, why am I feeling low? What have I got to be low about? People are worse off than me.
• Shame, I should be out functioning in society
• Suicidal thoughts, I should just die. Everyone's better off without me.
• Anger, why do I have to suffer this? Why aren't my anti-depressants working?
• Frustration, why am I in this episode? When will it end?
• Anxiety. I can't read or watch TV? What can I do?

I will probably end up going back to bed after writing this article. My family encourage me to go for a walk or sit in the sun but it doesn't help and even if it does it is only for five or ten minutes. The root cause of this depression is unknown so I am waiting and hoping it will lift.

This is what it is like to be depressed, not fun, not glamorous and not easy.

Sensory Overload Episode

How it feels: A sensory overload, depersonalisation derealisation disorder

Everything is too much. Too bright, too loud, too sharp round the edges and the only thing I can do is go in a dark room and shut my eyes. I am spaced out, not myself, in a dream and nothing feels real. Writing this the words blur into each other and pierce at my skin. I haven’t been able to watch TV or read properly in months now, due to anxiety and the anxiety pill I used to take for it doesn’t work because I’ve got myself tolerant to it so it doesn’t work anymore. I write this after crawling round my flat shielding myself from inanimate objects that feel like a threat. Dissociation is something I’ve got used to in my life, I’ve experienced it for years, but lately it’s got so bad I don’t know if I’m awake or sleep. Let me go and lie down in a dark room until this passes.