57 things all English Lit students know to be true
The Norton Anthology will be the death of me!
So, you've chosen to study English Literature. Go you! The best people have gone down the same path - Stephen Fry, James Franco, Christopher Nolan and a bunch of awesome people at the Student Beans HQ.
There are critics who wonder what on earth you're going to do with an English degree, apart from teach and read chunky books really fast. Whatever, English students only have about 3 seminars a week - beat that mathematicians!
In praise of English students everywhere we've compiled a list of 57 things only you guys will understand. Yes, it's quite a long list but you've read The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (or at least the SparkNotes), you'll be fine.
1. Once you were done with school, you were pretty thrilled to never have to deal with quadratic equations, the periodic table or photosynthesis again. Yay!
2. In your dream world, being a literature student involves a lot of sitting under trees, reading the classics and feeling inspired all the time.
3. But in reality it mainly feels like you're lugging a ton of bricks everywhere you go. Bloody Norton Anthology.
4. Besides, every poem you need to read is online anyway.
5. Everything you need in order to talk for 5 minutes can be gleaned from chapter summaries and the 'Personal Life' section of the author's Wikipedia.
6. Films can be "texts" too. So watching a load of America high-school Shakespeare adaptations is studying, right? Right!
7. Getting the book out of the library is basically the same as reading it.
8. Bending and creasing the spine of your book will make everyone in the seminar think you've read it.
9. As long as you know one specific and intelligent point about a book, you'll be fine.
10. Although, you will experience one of the worst silences known to man - THE SEMINAR SILENCE. Omg, can someone talk? Can someone just say SOMETHING?
11. Cue flicking through your book, pretending to find a particular passage in order to avoid awkward eye contact with your tutor.
YOU CAN'T PICK ON ME I'M READING!
12. Some tutors will be so grateful when you speak up that you'll get a 10% grading boost even if you if you just ramble on about your experiences with self-service checkouts with the odd mention of gender politics or post-modernity.
13. Plus, you have an irrational hatred for that person in your seminar who actually reads the books every week. Yeah yeah yeah we get it you don't have a life.
14. Being an English Lit student does turn you into a bit of a book snob. Mainly because you have no time to read 50 Shades when you're trying to get to grips with Paradise Lost (the sex is way riskier FYI).
15. Of course you still harbour a love for Harry Potter, which you have to hide from fellow book snob course mates.
16. Sometime during your degree you will fall in love with a fictional character. Ah, Mr Darcy.
17. However, loving reading definitely doesn't translate into loving everything on the reading list.
18. You realise 'I like reading' might not have been the best logic on which to base a pretty large life decision.
19. Sometimes you think it might have been easier to get a job if you'd gone with Media Studies.
20. You have a vague recollection of 'reading for fun' - and that it was good.
21. You have to overcome your squeamishness about writing in/highlighting/folding and otherwise destroying novels.
22. Your books look like this...
23. You become a pro at skim-reading.
24. Every essay conclusion can be structured in the following format: "Some theories suggest X, other imply Y, I'm only an undergraduate so can we agree that both are right?"
25. After tutors nitpick the grammar in your essays you become a bit of a grammar picker yourself.
26. You judge dating profiles if they exhibit any typos.
27. Ditto if their list of favourite books is a bit weak. The Da Vinci Code, FHM or Guinness World Records just don't cut it.
28. If someone says "I don't read" it's a bit of a deal breaker.
29. If someone thinks your favourite book is rubbish you vow to never be their friend again.
30. You dominate at Words with Friends and Ruzzle.
31. Your over-analytical literary brain causes you to study every minor situation in unnecessary depth.
32. Your friends always call on you to analyse text messages and Facebook statuses. I got a poke BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
33. The fear of plagiarism haunts you every night. Did I make that up? Did I get that from Wiki? Can I even trust my own mind?
34. Long sentence overloads in theory books threaten to turn your brain into mush.
35. As do bibliographies. Wait, do I underline the title? Italicise it? Add a full-stop? Cover it in pixie dust?
36. Then again, no one knows how to reference properly.
37. True fact: if you open your essay with Derrida you can basically justify anything.
38. You often get asked what you're planning on doing with your degree.
"Oh, you'll be a teacher right?"
39. Your friends who take business studies, accountancy and physics fear you'll end up being a bum.
40. However, one of the most valuable workplace skills you will learn will be the ability to convincingly argue whatever conclusions you want regardless of source material.
41. When you're really stuck for words in an essay you'll just make one up. "His first stanza is non-sequiteurial". BOOM.
42. Moving your book collection from your old accommodation to your new one is a pain. How do I have so many books?
43. Your biceps are toned thanks to carrying around The Complete Works of Wiliam Shakespeare.
44. You understand jokes like this...
45. This tickles you too...
46. While the rugby players down pints at the SU you join the EnglishSoc at the old man’s pub down the road.
47. Sometimes, really late at night you feel inspired to write poetry and then regret it in the morning. You basically just had a one night stand with iambic pentameter.
48. You have a favourite literary movement.
49. And you have bit of a crush on the tutor that specialises in it. This makes one on one tutorials a tad awkward.
50. Your friends who don't study English Literature make you feel bad for only having a few seminars a week.
51. To you, anything more than 6 hours of uni seems like a breach of your human rights.
52. Okay fine, so you don't have as many seminars BUT YOU'RE EXPECTED TO READ ENTIRE BOOKS IN A MATTER OF DAYS.
53. Plus, you're always happy to help when it comes to proofreading your housemate's essays, cover letters and letters to their nan.
54. English Literature teaches you that Mrs Dalloway was basically Twitter before Twitter.
55. George Eliot understood campus gossip better than anyone.
56. John Donne was a horny mofo.
57. And lastly, English students know that no matter what, no matter how little you've revised, the theme of gender will always, ALWAYS come up in the exam. Gotta love gender.
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