Just Get Some Fresh Air

Myself and many others who suffer with depression are sick of being told to 'get some fresh air!'
It doesn't work like that. We are depressed and nothing will change that. Leave us be and we will be ok. We need to stay in bed or hideaway for a reason. Our minds need recharging. Stop telling us to get out because it won't change anything and you shouldn't give advice unless you truly understand depression and mental illness.
Try walking a mile in our shoes and then tell us what to do.

The Borderline Legacy

This is quite a negative post but a lot of people I know with BPD, including myself either don't drive or have a job or both. I wondered why this was. Is it because of our childlike mindsets? Our inability to regulate our emotions or our constant fear of abandonment?

In my self-help group, out of about 10 people only one person had a full time job and drove. One person had a job but didn't drive. I know people in their thirties, still living at home unable to drive. 

I fear that I will become this legacy. I am holding down a job, just about, at the moment but the thought of driving lessons makes me want to run a mile. And I live alone, but in my dad's flat so I always have a parent available if needed and barely pay any bills. I have it quite easy some would say, but I disagree. No-one with Borderline Personality Disorder has it easy.

I am scared of becoming jobless, relying on benefits, alone, unable to drive and look after myself. 

Is this fear irrational? I don't think so. 

I found this quote which is quite derogatory but holds some truth:

The boss gets painted black as soon as he says something the BPD doesn't like. The interpersonal relationships with coworkers go south. The BPD acts impulsively, not considering how their actions may affect their job performance. They are often involved in substance abuse. They don't care about money until they spend it all and need some.

This is somewhat true for SOME people with BPD but not everyone. I've been in the position of the boss being painted black, relationships with colleagues becoming damaged and acting impulsively by resigning. But not so much the rest of it.

I still wonder, why people with BPD seem to be one step behind the rest of the population. Is it their legacy? 

Duvet Days or Depression Days?

Today I had a duvet day.
I didn't get out of bed until 2pm.
I lay there, feeling low and not wanting to move so I didn't, but now I feel worse.
Are duvet days good for people with depression or does it feed the low mood?
I'm not quite sure. Some days, like tomorrow, I have work, so I know I have to be up, makes me want to stay in bed even more but once I'm up at work I feel better.
Bit of a short post. But a question for you...duvet days, good or bad for depression?

Budapest Travel Review

I went to Budapest, Hungary on 3^rd September 2012, from Luton airport. The trip was something I was looking forward to months before it took place; I couldn’t wait to get on the plane and land in the exciting city. I had devoured views of the city online in pictures and videos, but I couldn’t wait to get there and take my own photographs.

We went on Wizz air, a Hungarian airline. We landed at midnight and as I stepped out of the plane, the Hungarian atmosphere clung to my skin.

The language spoken in Budapest is Hungarian. I did not manage to learn any words to speak, other than thank you (köszönöm, pronounced kur-sur-nurm) however you might like to research into the language and educate yourself on it to impress the locals.

The extraordinary city of Budapest managed to baffle me with its charms. I went for four nights (three whole days) and each day was an amazing life-changing experience filled with luscious food and exceptional views that will stay in my mind forever. On the first day my Dad and I explored the buzzing city, saw the market and the many buildings, historical and modern, the Basilica of St Stephen cathedral.

That night we found a cute little restaurant that served typical Hungarian food, where we made up for the energy we had lost whilst walking by shovelling the exquisite food down our throats and quenching our thirst with tangy cider.

The second day was without a doubt the most amazing! My dad and I walked over the Chain Bridge and saw Pest from the Buda side. The view will stay with me forever-the bridge, the fairytale-like parliament building and the flowing river Danu.

We walked in the baking 30-degrees heat, pausing occasionally for a drink break, around the historical Buda Castle, and explored the funky unique town nearby with bright orange buildings and crazy coloured cars.

That night we found a little Italian restaurant in the centre of the city. With people drinking and laughing around us, the nightlife was astounding. The vibe was crackly and exciting, the heat of the day drifted away to leave a warm delicious evening.

The third day we spent exploring the city, and in particular Heroes Square (Heroes Square was built to honour some of the great men of Hungary's History following 1000 years in the Carpathian Basin) filled with historical statues and many other tourists snapping away with their cameras and devouring the views.

Later that day we walked to City Park, it was leafy green and exotic, with water sprinklers that tempted me to run through them shrieking with delight as the cold water cooled my boiling skin.

I highly recommend ‘Central Green’ hotel. It was economically priced, yet good quality; our room had 2 beds, a wardrobe, a TV, a bathroom with our own sink, toilet and shower. Breakfast was served daily for 1000 forints (£3 per person). The location of the hotel was good, as it was near the centre of the city and not a too far walk from anywhere.

Budapest is famous for it spring baths, natural hot water springs made into baths and swimming pools, so I would recommend taking a dip while you are in Budapest.

Whatever you do whilst you are there, make sure you take as many photographs as you can. I perhaps went a little over the top, taking 700 in just three days, but they are photographs I will never tire of looking at. You could even take a video camera with you to capture some of the special atmosphere to take home with you.

Telling people that you have visited this amazing city certainly gains you experience and reputation. This city is on a top ten list of places to visit before you die by the travel site TripAdvisor, and as a general place it is somewhere I highly whole heartedly recommend.

The restaurant we ate in twice was a small typical Hungarian restaurant serving Hungarian goulash which is a stew made with meat and flavoured with paprika and tomatoes. The restaurant was painted a cheerful orange, the food was delicious and the atmosphere was particularly special.

There are many places to visit when you get to Budapest: Heroes Square, riding the funicular railway, crossing the bridge to view the Buda side from Pest, the hot spring baths and the local food market. Make sure you visit as many as you can so that when you get home you can rest assuring yourself that you visited as many places as possible, as this city is a once in a lifetime place to visit.

As a general overlook, the city is a place that can swallow you up because of its size and beauty. Experiences I particularly enjoyed were the Central Market Hall Hungarian market. Held in a big marquee area, there were stalls among stalls of food. Colourful fresh vegetables, salty soft meats, warm baked bread, sweets and treats. It was a market serving local specialities.

It couldn’t be helped, but I ate and drank a lot in the three whole days I was there, the food was exquisite. Hungarian goulash, meats and cheeses, tender chicken with rice and salad, it was impossible to not stuff your face with food. The surreal experience of standing on Pest side looking over to Buda, the river Danu and the parliament buildings is an experience that cannot be deleted from my memory because of its sheer power and beauty.

The city is a dusty, energetic and vibe-filled place, filled with people, scorching in summer, even in September and freezing in winter. It has a definite powerful magic to it, a feeling that becomes part of you, long after you step off the plane in England. This experience in September 2012 will be one I will never forget, because that city has captured a part of my heart and I left it there, along with the outstanding views and lively restaurants. Budapest is a place everyone should see at some point in their life, without a doubt, no matter what.

 .

It's Sunny Outside But Not In My Head

It's 3pm in the afternoon on a gloriously sunny April day and I have only just got up. I am still in my pyjamas and probably still will be by this evening until I convince myself I need to shower. I am currently suffering from a depressive episode and everything feels pointless. Really, what is the point in anything? I went to bed last night at 9pm because I didn't know what else to do and my ongoing severe anxiety is preventing me from watching TV or reading. I am living in my own kind of hell.
The guilt is pressing down on me. What have I got to be sad about? Nothing in particular. A break up that happened six months ago that I still haven't processed, but other than that, nothing. I have a holiday booked for 3 month's time. I have a new job I start next week. I have a family who love me, yet I still can't stop thinking the world would be a better place if I wasn't in it.
I'm no stranger to suicidal thoughts and attempts and the only thing stopping me is the impact it would have on my family. But I thought I would write an article about how it feels to be depressed, these are the thoughts and emotions going through my head:

• Guilt, why am I feeling low? What have I got to be low about? People are worse off than me.
• Shame, I should be out functioning in society
• Suicidal thoughts, I should just die. Everyone's better off without me.
• Anger, why do I have to suffer this? Why aren't my anti-depressants working?
• Frustration, why am I in this episode? When will it end?
• Anxiety. I can't read or watch TV? What can I do?

I will probably end up going back to bed after writing this article. My family encourage me to go for a walk or sit in the sun but it doesn't help and even if it does it is only for five or ten minutes. The root cause of this depression is unknown so I am waiting and hoping it will lift.

This is what it is like to be depressed, not fun, not glamorous and not easy.

Sensory Overload Episode

How it feels: A sensory overload, depersonalisation derealisation disorder

Everything is too much. Too bright, too loud, too sharp round the edges and the only thing I can do is go in a dark room and shut my eyes. I am spaced out, not myself, in a dream and nothing feels real. Writing this the words blur into each other and pierce at my skin. I haven’t been able to watch TV or read properly in months now, due to anxiety and the anxiety pill I used to take for it doesn’t work because I’ve got myself tolerant to it so it doesn’t work anymore. I write this after crawling round my flat shielding myself from inanimate objects that feel like a threat. Dissociation is something I’ve got used to in my life, I’ve experienced it for years, but lately it’s got so bad I don’t know if I’m awake or sleep. Let me go and lie down in a dark room until this passes. 

Depression Diaries: Intro

So I am going to be writing a diary about my life and the depressions and highs I go through.
Watch this space.

Mental Health: Coming Off Mirtazapine

I currently write this, while battling depression and anxiety and coming off mirtazapine. The anxiety is a strange one that has started about a week ago, I just feel scared. Of everything. And nothing feels real. I know I am dissociating as I have done it before and will do so again, I know the medical jargon and that does give me some comfort, to know it is a symptom. Not a state of being I will be stuck in forever. But it doesn't stop the feeling and I feel like I need to be near people, near walls, enclosed. I feel scared of the wide world. I am currently withdrawing from taking mirtazapine which I have been on since 3rd February. It has not helped me at all. 
It is different to an SSRI, the more common anti-depressants, such as as sertraline and fluoxetine, both of which I have been on. It is different in that it is an atypical antidepressant. I have found it came with the following side effects:

• Severe weight gain and appetite increase (I gained a stone in a month!)
• Constipation
• Tiredness in the day (I have been like a zombie the day after taking it as I take it at night, I have been slurring my words, unable to keep my eyes open, sleeping too much!)

I have spoken to my Doctor and my Psychiatrist and they have both agreed I can come off of it. I haven't noticed my low mood or anxiety to have alleviated at all while on the medication so there doesn't seem much point in staying on it and becoming fatter and more zombie-like.

I am hoping they will replace it with a different anti-depressant as coming off of it my mood has decreased. I take it at night to help me sleep as I was on a helpful concoction of sertraline 150mg daily and quetiapine 150mg at night and this together fought my OCD, anxiety, mood swings and insomnia. But now it is all up in the air again as since being hospitalised and taken off sertraline completely and quetiapine at night due to overdosing on it and being seriously ill, to moving onto Depixol injection (flupentixol, anti-psychotic, for mood stability, anxiety and depression) and mirtazapine as the anti-depressant (instead of sertraline) and sleep aid (instead of quetiapine) and Depixol as an added mood stabiliser.

I am weary about what meds they may or may not put me on and just want to go back to sertraline and quetiapine as I was on them years and they were my comfort blanket. 

I write this experiencing dissociation and wanting to run back to my Dad's house and say "Cuddle me til this is over!"

I am going to try and read or do something. I need to take 15mg mirtazapine (the lowest dose, which is apparently the most sedating, weird I know!) instead of the 30mg I was on until Friday when I have a phone call booked in with my psychiatrist and he will talk me through what I will try next.

Wish me luck as I don't feel too good, my mood is low, my anxiety is high, if only they were the other way round.

What Do You Have To Do To Get Help?

I really don’t know what you have to do to get help? How half dead you need to be, or dead.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Something that makes mental health professionals shiver when they hear. They can’t treat it, there’s no set medication for it. There’s no proof hospitalisation helps it. But what about when you are in a crisis, where do you go then?

I was and have been in a crisis recently and had an appointment with my care coordinator but her lips were moving all I could hear were the 4 voices in my head telling me to stab her. Obviously I didn’t want to so I said I needed the loo and ran away to the nearest railway crossing where I sat on the train tracks like a nutter. The train stopped as it saw me in time and I ashamedly climbed over the boundaries. I was sectioned by the police and taken to a 136 suite an hour away. I was kept there overnight in a prison cell like room only to be told after the assessment I wasn’t ‘psychotic’ enough or I had capacity so I didn’t meet the criteria to be sectioned. So I was sent home with no follow up support. And that night I cut myself and ended up in the general where I was sent home again.

What is going on? I have been nearly hit by a train and I still don’t meet criteria for inpatient help.

It feels like people with BPD are being ignored, let down and mistreated. I am currently in a low episode and feel like overdosing or cutting. What do I do? Who do I speak to? I want to hold down a good job but I’m sick of feeling low and not knowing when I will do.

BPD patients are recommended not to be institutionalised but what do we do in a crisis, how do we get help? What more do you want from us!?

Psychotic Catatonic Night Out: My Trip on Weed

So it was my second night in Amsterdam and after an embarrassing fake ‘hemp chocolate bar’ we decided to try the real thing and went to a coffee shop and ordered tea and a ‘space brownie.’

Waiting for the effects to begin was quite nerve wracking. I suddenly started to feel odd. I felt like everything was spinning and my girlfriend’s face was moving and blurry. It wasn’t like being drunk, it was like nothing I had ever felt before, and not in a good way. It didn’t chill me out, I wasn’t high I was psychotic. The last thing I remember before my episode began was clambering onto my girlfriend’s lap to feel safe. Then I spaced out. I didn’t speak for 6 hours. I took my clothes off in public and started touching myself inappropriately, I was talking to people who weren’t there, and whispering song lyrics. I was off my rocker. It was like I had taken cocaine, not cannabis.

I remember coming round in the hotel lobby with a plate of food under my nose. It was funny now I look back at it, but at the time it was terrifying. I remember feeling like my heart was racing so fast it would stop and talking to people in my head.

Not everyone reacts the same to drugs and weed did not chill me out. I have mental health issues and am on strong medication and it may have reacted to my meds but I can’t imagine what I’d be like on anything stronger than cannabis, considering even on alcohol I’m a demon.